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Sermon October 14, 2018
The Rev. Rebecca S. Myers, LSW
The Church of the Nativity and St. Stephen’s
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance
Twenty-First Sunday After Pentecost, Proper 23, track 1
http://lectionarypage.net/YearB_RCL/Pentecost/BProp23_RCL.html
‘If I go forward, he is not there;
or backward, I cannot perceive him;
on the left he hides, and I cannot behold him;
I turn to the right, but I cannot see him. Job 23:8-9
Please be seated
Soon after I graduated from the University of Kansas with my Master of Social Work degree in 1996, I moved to Charlotte, North Carolina. I was divorced and my daughter, then going into her junior year of college, invited me to move in with her. We rented an apartment.
Now besides the obvious challenges of a changing mother/daughter relationship and the aftermath of my divorce, we also faced financial challenges. I had never lived in Charlotte; people did not know me. All I had was my MSW and my previous work experience. I ended up taking lots of parttime social work jobs to cobble together the resources we needed to live.
I had also begun to attend a small church in Charlotte. The church had no administrator, but soon after I got there, a very parttime position became available. Because I still needed some financial resources and because I wanted something different from the social work clinical counseling I was doing, I applied for and became the parish secretary.
The biggest job I had was producing the weekly bulletin. I loved doing this. It allowed me to be creative and to use a different part of my brain. I had plenty of experience in clerical work, having been a secretary for many years prior to getting my college degrees. I often returned to temporary clerical work throughout college or when I was in transition between jobs.
One day the pastor informed me he needed something special on quick notice. A couple’s baby had died prior to its birth. It was nearly full term. I had known someone that this had happened to, so was somewhat familiar with the grief and loss involved. I had also started to learn about the importance of ceremonies to mark these sad occasions.
I decided to create a small folder/bulletin with a service developed by the pastor. I also included the words of a beloved hymn, “Children of the Heavenly Father.” We will sing this hymn at our offertory. While I knew of this hymn from my childhood, I became especially fond of it when I lived in Topeka, Kansas and attended the Lutheran Church there. Many of the Lutherans were of Swedish descent and at least once a year, a tenor in the choir would sing this hymn in Swedish. The hymn is known as the baptism hymn in Sweden.
Look at the words of the first and last verses, for instance:
Children of the heavenly father
Safely in his bosom gather;
Nestling bird or star in heaven,
Such a refuge e’er was given.
Though He giveth or He taketh
God his children ne’er forsaketh
His the loving purpose solely
To preserve them pure and holy
The pastor I worked for in Charlotte told me the parents really appreciated these words as they remembered their baby.
Today our Old Testament reading is a lament or even a rant from Job. Remember the story of Job? In the first chapter we find out what happened to Job:
One day the heavenly beings came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came among them. 7The Lord said to Satan,‘Where have you come from?’ Satan answered the Lord, ‘From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking up and down on it.’ 8The Lord said to Satan, ‘Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man who fears God and turns away from evil.’ 9Then Satan answered the Lord, ‘Does Job fear God for nothing? 10Have you not put a fence around him and his house and all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. 11But stretch out your hand now, and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.’ 12The Lord said to Satan, ‘Very well, all that he has is in your power; only do not stretch out your hand against him!’ So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord. Job 1:6-12
So Satan or the advocate, causes Job to lose everything – his family and all of his possessions. Job had been a very wealthy man. Job sits in ashes and sackcloth and various friends come around to supposedly comfort him. They believe Job must have done something to deserve this great calamity. That’s what people believed. If you were not blessed, then it must be your own fault. We certainly hear that these days, don’t we?
Job keeps explaining that he has done nothing to deserve this treatment. Yet, Job does not abandon God, but rather wants to find God and wrestle with God and demand an answer from God or argue with God.
Job is bereft, because no matter where he looks, he cannot find God or feel God. He is afraid that God has abandoned him. Spoiler Alert: in the last chapters of Job, God does finally speak and in the end Job’s fortunes are restored double fold.
Yet, the passage today, I believe, relates to what many of us feel like at times. It is especially pertinent when we think about the death of infants or those who die from miscarriage, or stillbirth.
Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States. I don’t know about your experience, but into my adulthood, if a pregnancy ended by miscarriage, it was never spoken about. Sometimes I would hear someone say they had had a miscarriage, but for the most part, that was kept extremely private. We have learned over the years how painful that was for the families. There are practices now that involve ceremonies if a child is born dead such as dressing them in specially made outfits and creating remembrance boxes.
The organization Through the Heart has lots of resources for families, including a place to tell their stories and tips on what to say or do to support someone who has lost an infant. I have a number of friends on Facebook whose infants have died. They occasionally post remembrances and express the grief they still feel, even when it’s been a number of years ago.
It is estimated that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in a miscarriage or still birth. We need to acknowledge the bond between the parents and the child during the pregnancy and early infanthood. We need to acknowledge that the miscarriage is painful for the family and the family needs support. We need to acknowledge that an infant’s death is painful for the family and the family needs support.
We also need to acknowledge that faith may be a support at this time or may be challenging. We can let people know that wrestling with God and ranting to God are perfectly okay. At least when we do so, we are still connected to God. Being able to share our deepest feelings with God and argue with God shows an intimate connection between us.
Through the Heart has tips to support a family experiencing pregnancy and infant loss:
- Let the family know you are thinking about them and check back in a few weeks or a month.
- Address the situation. If the family doesn’t want to talk about it, they will let you know.
- The clichés, “Everything happens for a reason” or “it’s in God’s hands” may not be helpful and are sometimes hurtful.
- Gifts can be a good idea, especially gift cards for restaurants that have drive-thru or take-out.
- If you know the baby’s due date or the infant’s birthday, remember it with a small gift or note to the family. This will be a tough day for the family.
- Remember the whole family. Often the focus is on the mother and the father, siblings, and extended family will all be grieving.
http://www.throughtheheart.org/supporting-others/
We ask God why there is suffering? Why did these little ones die? Why was this heartbreak caused? Philosophers and scholars have debated this over and over. I have no good answer for this. I honestly do not think God causes suffering or wants us to suffer. I do believe that God is always with us in our suffering.
So we wrestle with God about why these sad and devastating things happen to people and especially to such little ones. We can rant and we can know that God is always with us.
Amen
