Loading...Sermon September 10, 2017
The Rev. Rebecca S. Myers, LSW
The Church of the Nativity and St. Stephen, Newport, PA
Fourteenth Sunday After Pentecost, Track 1 Year A, Proper 18
//lectionarypage.net/YearA_RCL/Pentecost/AProp18_RCL.html
Jesus said, “If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church…. Matthew 18:15-17
Please be seated
Today would have been my brother Rob’s 59th birthday. I was nearly two when he was born, so he’s the reason I went from being an only child to being a big sister. I don’t think I was always grateful for that. Unfortunately, Rob died over two years ago from Huntington’s disease. I’ve been thinking about him a lot this week. In my home, I have a photo of Rob on his 12th birthday with the candles on the cake all lit up. It’s just before he blew them out. I pass by it every day.
Poor Rob, as well as my younger brother John. I was and probably still am a motherly big sister…maybe even bossy. When we were growing up and I was a teenager, often my mother would complain about something Rob was doing. She’d tell me, but not necessarily him. Then, as the dutiful big sister, I would go scold him about this behavior…. “Mom says you’re…..” We set up the perfect communication triangle.
From our Gospel today, we know that our human behavior has not changed much since Jesus’ time. Isn’t it amazing how so much has changed in the world, but not how we relate to each other? Even with all of our technological marvels, we still create communication triangles with each other.
While in some instances, such as early childhood or relationships where safety is an issue, it may be necessary to have communication triangles, in most cases, communication triangles are destructive and unhealthy. They’re even considered manipulative. The reason is that communication triangles do not allow people to form honest relationships with each other. They create distrust and rumors or gossip.
This is especially true when the “middle person” in the triangle cannot or will not say who sent them. The person receiving the information is left guessing about who is talking about them behind their back, so to speak. The receiver has no option to connect with and address the information directly with the person on the other end. That’s why in some organizations, anonymous complaints are not entertained as valid at all.
I imagine most of us have been pulled into communication triangles. For instance, I remember a number of times when I was an Executive Director where members would come to talk about the behavior of a staff person. They’d tell me and I’d try to tell the staff member about the complaint. Often I did a lousy job communicating another person’s experience to the staff member accurately. Yet, as the supervisor, it was important for me to know how members experienced the staff person. Finally, I learned to say that I would go with the member to talk to the staff person directly.
We also know how easy it is to fall into these communication triangles. One of us hears information about another. Sometimes it’s just easier to ask another person what might be going on, rather than contact the person directly. How many times do we say to one friend to please tell another friend we asked about them? It’s pretty harmless and yet still creating a communication triangle.
Jesus’ words in Matthew appear to confirm that communication triangles were occurring at the time. These triangles were harmful to the relationships in the community. So, a process is given to respect, strengthen and restore relationships. A process is given to avoid communication triangles.
The preferred or first step is to go to the person directly. Now, this isn’t always easy. Sometimes we know what we have to say might make the other person feel badly. And then to be on the receiving end is not always easy. We like to think of ourselves as good people. We like to think we are caring and never intentionally do any harm. We don’t even want to hurt someone else. So, when someone comes and tells us their experience of us has been unpleasant, we don’t always, and here I’m looking at myself, we don’t always receive the information easily. In fact, we may become argumentative and defensive.
That first step can be challenging. And if there is violence present in the relationship, one-on-one communication may not be advisable.
Step two, which in certain cases may be step one, is similar to what I did when I was an Executive Director. In step two, we invite one or two other people to be with us to witness our conversation. This allows us to speak for ourselves and communicate directly with the other person. It also allows for some others to be present and to hear the discussion, in some cases helping to clarify or resolve the issues. This process carries the possibility of restoring the relationship and hopefully improving the relationship between two people.
In both step one and two, the information is kept fairly private, shared only amongst a few people. In step three, if there is no resolution, the community may be informed. This allows more people to enter into resolution and reconciliation.
The last part of step three as appears in our Gospel, seems to suggest people can be rejected from the community. Many scholars believe these were not Jesus’ words and were actually added by the early Christian community. Jesus had dinner with tax collectors and reached out to Gentiles, so why would Jesus say that those groups should be treated as outsiders and outcasts? The whole process of “shunning” or “excommunication” has been a difficult one for Christian communities. Rejecting someone from the Christian community is something that should be rare and carefully considered.
In the coming week, notice when you are pulled into a communication triangle or when you try to form one. Remember the words of Jesus, who said we are to love God and love our neighbor as ourselves. Do the loving thing…
Amen
